G'Day

I’ve never before been able to tell the difference between an English and an Australian accent. Perhaps, this is because I’ve never had someone from both countries in the same room. Perhaps it’s because my hearing has gradually deteriorated since grade 11 when Mark Rutherford hit me in the ear with a dodgeball, perforating my ear drum. Or, more probably, it’s just due to my own ignorance. This revelation hit me right in the grill when I was at the Rideau Centre and the girl at the cash at one store had a thick colonial accent. I thought to myself, could she be English? Maybe Australian? But what if she’s a Kiwi? Asking if she’s Australian might offend her. I decided she sounded most like she was Australian, so I asked;

“Are you Australian?”

“What? No, I’m from Wales.”

Never even crossed my mind.

I’ve been in Australia for 2 weeks now. I’ve swam in the ocean, I’ve seen kangaroos, I’ve driven on the wrong side of the road, I’ve sat through test cricket, and I can now tell the difference between an Australian and an English accent. I think.

I’m telling you this because the difference explains many discrepancies between Australia and, well, everywhere else.

Australians speak with their own laid-back slang version of English. If you just listened to them speak you would swear their version of English doesn’t contain the letter R. It’s not that they can’t pronounce R’s, it’s that they choose not to. This laid-back attitude is how they go about pretty much everything. Take this commercial for example. Canadian ING commercials, I’m sure we’ve all seen, feature that clean cut actor with a British accent, a sharp haircut, and an even sharper suit, who tells you exactly what to do with your money, and because of his image you believe him. Some marketing agency has decided that is the type of person that relates to the typical Canadian. Here’s who market research has decided, relates to the typical Aussie.

Australian ING Commercial

A comedian with a ridiculous Scottish accent and even more ridiculous haircut relates to and is trusted by the typical laid-back Aussie.

They don’t wear pants. They don’t wear socks or shoes. They can drink in the car. Their summer sport, cricket, moves at a pace slower than the growth of the grass on which they play. Imagine baseball, with less running, a lunch break, worse commentators, tea breaks and lasting all day for five days. Australians do what they want to do and nothing they don’t.

This includes working weekends, or evenings. On my travel south to visit my sister et al. I rode a train that took me as far as a little town called Nowra. I had about an hour to kill so I decided to grab something to eat. Across the street was a takeaway shop and a pizza shop. It was Saturday, so naturally, both were closed. The pharmacy next to it (reminder: Shoppers is open until midnight 7 days/week) was closed. Come to think of it, no one was even working at the train station I arrived at. The town was essentially shut down. I decided to keep walking and eventually found a Middle Eastern looking sign that pictured a shwarma and read “kebabs”. I went in, ordered a “beef kebab with the lot” and sat outside to eat, it was delicious.

Then, an SUV pulled up in front with the typical 2 parents and 2 kids family. The father jumps out and runs around the corner. He returns from the other side some time later and opens the car door to get in, then looks at me,

“Eh mate, wheah [where] ah [are] the meat pies?”

“Excuse me?”

“That meat pie you’ve got, [where’d] you get it?”

“Oh, this is a shw-, it’s a kebab” I answered, pointing to the sign.

The man squints to read the Middle Eastern looking sign, then makes the face someone would make while watching EJ Henderson (#56 White jersey, long hair) break his leg. He gets in the car and drives down a road that looks as if it goes nowhere. It seems that this man was willing to let his family go hungry before he would risk feeding them something other than a good ol’ Aussie meat pie.

If all you care about in a meal is that meat is included, Australia’s the place for you. A meal contains meat; beef, chicken, pork, fish, or just plain meat. If you want a vegetable, I guess you can get potatoes, but it will probably have gravy on it. And who would want it any other way? Certainly not Aussies, or else they would have it that other way.

That’s just how they roll in Oz. I think I’m going to like it here.